


A Sense of Familiarity

by Spnwritingfan09



Category: 2moons2
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 17:09:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20820830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spnwritingfan09/pseuds/Spnwritingfan09
Summary: Tumblr fic request #17 "This kind of pain doesn't go away." Warning: mentioned suicide attempt (pill overdose).





	A Sense of Familiarity

_Pins and needles._ Since it happened Forth refused to talk about it unless talking about it helped Beam. He knew he shouldn't feel this way, but Forth hurt too. In a completely different way, yes, and any anger he had couldn't be explicitly expressed, because the last thing he wanted Beam to feel was any blame. _What didn't help were the constant flashbacks._ They made Forth want to drink himself into oblivion.

_"Beam!" Forth dragged a lifeless body into his arms. "Wake up! Beam!" He shook him. Then he saw it on the floor. The pill bottle. _

_Walking on hot coals._ That's how it felt too. Although Beam survived this, he couldn't help but feel that he _already lost him_. It was a vicious circle. _Wasn't Beam already getting the necessary help? Wasn't he helping?_ Forth never had so much pain in his neck and across his shoulders. For most of his life, his knack for fitness kept joint pain to a minimum, but now it's a solid 8, hanging out right there at the top of his spine. The bedroom door opened. He jerked his head up. 

"Where are you going?" He asked Beam with frantic concern. The two of them had been held up in his bedroom for the past two weeks. Forth would bring him assignments and other work from classes. Forth would also do his own work there in the bedroom with Beam. He didn't want to leave him alone. _That kind of trust he'd have to rebuild, but why? Forth just felt like any emotion he had was shifting blame when blame had no part in this. _

"Classes," Beam simply said. Forth had to admit there were glimpses._ Small windows in which he could see Beam recovering. _

"Are we ready for that?"

"You mean, am I ready for that? You can't follow me to class, you know." Beam gave him a slight grin. 

"The fuck I can't!" Forth snapped. That tension was sitting at an 8, the burning sensation in his throat, however, was a 10. The tears formed and trickled down his face. Forth did nothing to stop them this time. In a matter of seconds, Beam was on the couch beside him. Forth took his hands. They sat like that for several moments. Forth sniffling and wiping at his nose. Beam took a deep breath. After- (what we'll call) 'the incident' - Beam wanted more help. He wanted to continue seeing doctors, therapists, anyone that could help him. He wanted to exhaust every possible resource along with his medication. Seeing Forth break like this sparked his anxiety, but not in the same way as when linked to his depression. He could recognize that now and Beam thought that was a good step forward. He started fiddling with Forth's fingers. 

"I'm getting the help I need. From you. From doctors. From-" 

"Wait, what?" Forth murmured. _This isn't about you, dickhead._ Still, Forth desperately wanted to know that he was helping.

Beam started over, "I'm getting help from you. It's been mostly from you. And when my depression became severe we turned to the doctors." 

"You were seeing doctors before the incident," Forth choked out. "So then why?" _Not a valid question, Forth. Or is it? _

Beam could answer this. It was a conversation he had with the therapist. "I can't answer why either Forth. That's what I have to work through. This kind of pain doesn't go away. It can be helped. It can be guided, but it can't be cured." Beam did know all of this. He was a doctor in training, but a part of him remained in constant denial, thinking how he felt or _didn't feel_ would just magically go away.

"You told me days later that you didn't want to die so my mind has trouble-" tears were now overflowing the surface and Beam reached out to wipe them away. More still came as Forth continued, "I have trouble understanding why." Forth's fists clenched, Beam's hands falling to his knees. Beam acknowledged Forth's anger. Every part of his life now felt a bit calculated, not necessarily forceful especially in regards to his feelings for Forth. Everything else, on the other hand, required an exacerbated amount of effort. An effort to recognize his own emotions as well as recognize when he was on the brink of feeling little to no emotions, that numbness he can't explain to Forth. That numbness Forth experienced by way of Beam locking himself in the bathroom. 

Forth croaked out, "Forget about it." He went to wipe he face with his sleeve, but Beam intervened by wiping away the tears again. He then wrapped fingers around Forth's neck and pressed their foreheads together. 

"F-Forth," he took a deep breath. "Thank you." _More tears._ Forth felt ridiculous and let his head fall forward. Beam caught him on his chest, Forth trying to question _how in god's name this works? Beam is quick to recognize his emotions, but has trouble processing his own? How? _

Forth decided to stop questioning it. Beam ran a hand through his hair. Forth felt himself calming down. Then Beam lifted his chin to kiss him. It was like their first kiss, neither of them sure how to process the situation. Soon enough, Forth felt it._ The sense of familiarity he thought was lost. It was good to have Beam alive, kissing him. Forth decided he'd focus on the present moment starting now. He'd learn, grow, and adapt with Beam. They'd get through this. _


End file.
